Not many know my private life because I choose whom to tell my business and whom not to tell. It is not because I do not trust you it is just the way I am. I find it easy to talk to a random stranger about a certain issue and be totally comfortable with it because I know the person does not know me and will never say “Lulama is facing this issue” He/she will advise where he/she can and leave. I have two amazing friends /sisters whom I tell most things that happen. However, I have not been as open as I am today. I try my level best to voice out the things that are hurting me or the things that do not sit right with me. I have been a quiet girl who only spoke when asked or had something important to say.
There was a point where I felt I needed to fit in and make everyone feel comfortable with my presence. This was to put me at ease because I already had a stormy title (like a cloud) above my head and almost everyone knew about it, saw it and only made it feel worse. I wanted to fit in so much I did not realise I was losing my identity trying to squeeze my personality. I knew about the strength I had and what I could do with it but I never really showed that side of me. I wanted people to see me as someone they could turn to, someone friendly and caring. I am all those but strength part is what they do not know. In this day and age if you are too strong then you have walls built around you. Yes, maybe I do have walls built up but my strength and these walls surrounding me do not have anything in common. I learnt to face challenges and walk through fires without showing any damage, internally and externally. I still face them until this day emotionless and it has changed me more than expected. I have tried to face my mountains with emotions at some point but at the same time, I tried not to seem weak. One instance is when I changed schools. I was fine with the change because I had the chance to do more than I could at the previous school. The previous school was okay, not too bad but the system caused a lot of confusion and a lot of withdraws or anxiety. I was an angry little girl but my smile deceived almost everyone. I had to build myself up constantly every time people broke me down and demanded more than I could give. I ended up isolating myself from the crowds, family and friends because of the way I was treated. One of my closest friends whom I call brother, Mpilo Baloyi, told me a story that as he was young whenever he got back home from school, he would walk to his room and close the door. I asked myself why he did it because he is a bubbly person and loves to express himself with laughter. He is the type to make you feel alive even when you are dead inside. I could not understand why he would lock himself in his room until it happened to me. My silence and my own company was enough, I could not be in the same room with others without bashing at them. It was a time of darkness that none could see. It took me a while to get out of that isolation or to pour out because I had so much confusion that tortured me for months. I was bitter and I was unhappy. Time and time again I felt pressure. I felt the pressure to go drink, smoke, and also involve myself in sexual immorality but still I rose above the pressure with Psalms 46:1-2 (NKJV) which says “God is our (my) refuge and strength, A very pleasant help in trouble. Therefore we (I) will not fear, Even though the earth be removed, And the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;” and James 4:6 (NKJV) “But He gives more grace. Therefore He says:
"God resists the proud,
But gives grace to the humble."
I still face pressure and temptations every day, however I know what I am carry and losing grip of what I carry deep inside would be a loss to me and a win to the devil. Besides that is not how I saw my life and my future. Vusi Ntuli told me “what you are carrying is so divine you cannot let temptations take control over it.” With all this pressure I am trying my best to have a balanced life and keep God at the centre of everything.
Do not blame us Pastor’s Kids for becoming so cold, we are used to being given the cold shoulder. Even though we were taught to walk in love, yet we still turned cold as ice because of how we have been treated. Life has taught me to be brave and walk with so much strength the statement “fake it till you make it” is extremely true. As a PK, I personally have faked it and I can honestly say I made it through.
- Lulama Sithole
Comentarios