Growing up I tried to fit in with the rest and there was NO success in that. I tried getting into different cliques of girls just so that I could get approval from not only girls but boys too. I was too young to understand and I do not think I will understand anytime soon. I found myself doing things that were out of my comfort zone in order to fit in with people who did not treasure me or who saw no value in me. Actually, I saw no value in myself that is why I fell so easy into the traps that were set for me.
They say “DO NOT BEG ANYONE TO STAY” I was the opposite. I would beg people who clearly showed no efforts in wanting me close to them and I could not understand why they were doing so. I had a hard time accepting rejection as I felt that I needed to be accepted by society and the cliques. Being in that position meant I had to give up who I was for something I wanted to be and in all honesty, we all do not want to be alone. I wanted that “look at her” vibe, the “who is that chick? What is her name?” I wanted those words as I passed people. Instead, I got “who does she think she is? She is nothing compared to us.” I was torn to pieces making me lose great confidence in everything, and myself. I was the girl with the acne, the scars, the dark skin girl who was tall and skinny, loner and to top it off they called me ugly. I was broken however, not as broken as I became when got to high school.
When I got to high school words did not bounce like a tennis ball. They stuck straight onto my skin burying themselves with the intentions of ruining each and every part of my mind. I almost believed the lies that failed to bounce off me. There were times I could not even look at the mirror without picking out a flaw they had mentioned. I am about to become a young adult in three weeks from now and I struggle at times with everything that has to do with most important parts of me. There are two scripture I turn too when I feel low
“what is man, that You think of him, the son of man that You care for him?”
Psalm 8:4-8 (NLV)
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well”
Psalm 139:14 (NKJV)
This journey has not been easy at all. Being a Pastor’s Kid, living up to the standard, facing your own battles, trying to be the person who is there for everyone, giving a bigger hand to the ministry, trying to adapt to certain situations, having to let go of people who were your physical pillar and just living the life the I wanted. I got so caught up in looking for ways to help others I totally forgot about myself and how perfect He made to be. Yes, I might not be like others girls but in all that I do, I make sure that I remember that I was made in His image.
"This is to all those who still struggle with loving and accepting yourself, there is no better thing than falling in love with yourself. I know you might have days where you just look at yourself and wonder if you will ever receive the love you keep giving out or if you will ever be good for anyone. I learnt the hard truth that the pity parties you throw for yourself will not get you anywhere, they will keep you stuck in one place. Walk with your head up high, do not let the world define your worth. Remember the one who created you, did it so He can be seen in you. So NEVER look down upon yourself but love yourself, appreciate yourself, take care and do not mind what others say about you."
You are a masterpiece, a work of art and God thinks you are a perfect just the way you are!!
Love, Lulama Sithole
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